Look, just because the people I've met so far on this lame team aren't completely terrible, that doesn't mean we're pals all of a sudden.

The only reason I've lived as long as I have - besides the ability to heal from damn near anything - is a healthy sense of distrust and a low-key hatred of every living thing.

Stop trying to get me to make nicey nice with these people. And stop comparing me to that stupid ninja turtle. I'm blue, not green. And I'm from Jersey, not New York, and you know it. As far as "the one with attitude" goes, okay, I'll give you that one -

[He lifts his 4-fingered hands to flash two middle fingers.]

But I'm not exactly what you'd call PG.

[Because he's an edgelord.]

What did that actionspam just say?!

[Nothiiing.]

That's what I thought.

...You ponder "what if" one more time and I swear to Zephyr your butt gets majorly roasted.

I like my wings where they are thank you very much.

Laying on your belly, you think you can join the fun? Ha-HA! Making plans for me? Hate to disappoint you, MUNS, but you don't plan anything beyond the first day -

- in fact it makes think you rather not look at the calendar at all. Watching the days just float on by, doing nothing . . . ~

Hello.

I know we've been having a great time with the PSLs, but we both have to agree that work isn't getting any less crazy and that we both miss being in a game.

We know lots of good people, and wherever we go, we'd know somebody.

So what do you say?

Dear Mun,

What you are attempting to do is reprehensible! To use me as bait to try and lure in a Beatrix like I'm some sort of meat slab or common trollop!

I have half a mind to report you--[Listens to his mun telling him something.]

Your favorite pairing? Us? Why, if you think you can just butter me up--[Listens some more.]

Why yes, it would be nice to see her. I've missed her terribly. The way the light of the moon gleams across her fine blade, her bosom heaving--

[Steiner's eyes widen and he stomps up and down a couple of times. Clink clink goes the armor.] Y-You made me say all of that!? You cad! You charlatan!

...Are you expecting some sort of gratitude from me, little pawn?

[A scoff escapes her. The Colonel remains unimpressed.]

If so, you'll be sorely disappointed. There's more pressing matters at hand here. Your wounded pride isn't one of them.

[She takes this moment to adjust her glasses.]

Where are they? [Jihl peeks over her glasses with a slight smirk.] You know who.

Where are my little pets?

Look, I don't make a lot of demands. Ask anyway!

I've always been more of the one who winds up taking them - mind with a bit of creative interpretation.

Now, is it really so much to ask that we do something? It feels like we've been waiting an age for some kind of response. As rare as it is downtime always makes me a bit antsy. Usually because it's not long before something blows up.

Is this really necessary? It's bad enough you've turned me human and you're contemplating taking me away from my friends and family - my nephews, who you might recall, depend on me.

(Although taking me away from my 30 cent per hour job might not be so bad.)

Now you're... parading me around, just becaude you can't decide if or where to send me?

You're worse than uncle Scrooge.

I tried to warn you and here we are again. Please try not to throw me away like yesterday's trash again, okay? It really sucks...

Guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Don't know exactly what you're gettin' out of this, though. I wouldn't say I've got that many miles left on me.

Hey, it's your life. Live it however you like. I'm not here to judge.

 ...Back again? Are you sure that's such a great idea? I think I'm a tad biased  but please, don't let me persuade you either way.  I've got nothing but time. 

All those voices in yer head, an' I'm the one yeh decide to send out an' about? Suppose I'm flattered, considerin' some o' the company yeh keep. [Harry was always his player's favourite and most played in the past, after all. Not that Hagrid blames her one bit, mind! He might pick Harry too, or a hero like him, if he kept silly hobbies such as this.] Jus' seems an odd bit o' nostalgia, this; 'specially when yeh might be choosin' someone as yeh already got made up. This is all new ter me.

[He gestures at his surroundings, the like of which his writer has been frequenting on and off for over a decade.] Someone like Harry, or Ron, or Hermione, as yeh know them the best. ...Mr. Scamander, even, [one of Hagrid's own personal heroes] would be a better choice fer yeh, considerin' yer own House loyalties. But seein' as I'm already here, I might as well make the best of it, yeah? Yer not goin' ter be sendin' me off to any o' those games, I know, but... "memes" [he makes fingerquotes] aren't out o' the question. I've seen enough action an' enough grief ter fill ten lifetimes. Whatever yer thinkin' of... just keep that in yer mind.

 I am not Patrick Hockstetter's Twinner and I do not appreciate the joke, sai. The boy puts my cousin to shame. I know his actor would make a fine face for me, but it's not worth havin' such a connection with that little monster. Trust me, I know from monsters and that be a monster. 

I've spent so many centuries just waiting for this.

( spoilers! )

Oh, Lord.

Trying to save the Lyuku people is not evidence towards me being the Guardian.

[You're going to half-kill yourself. Pretty Guardian-like.]

I'm helping them! This doesn't mean I'm going to be Guardian, ever. I gave the Archmage my answer. And don't hold your breath that Merlan might change my mind.

[Kissy kissy.]

... I'm done here.

1. My biological mother is not Cruella De Vil.
2. No one is going to bring charges against her for the kidnapping of 101 dogs.
3. I'm not asking Matt to punch her for me.
4. You're not asking Matt to punch her for me.
5. No one is asking Matt to punch anyone.

Don't you have to study or write a paper or something?

No, no, I completely get why you're feeling this way. I-I mean, barring the fact that I'm not familiar with this sort of thing. I just think that you should give it a go! (I mean, you didn't really tell anyone that you put me in their test drive, how did you expect them to know I was there?)

You've gotta follow your heart, mun! Take chances, do your best, give it your all! There's nothing wrong with making mistakes, right? Nobody's perfect, everyone deserves a shot. If we were all perfect, we'd be living really boring lives!

I mean, sure, we have to... go through all that again. [A visible, slight shudder. She isn't looking forward to reliving that...] But... but it's what we gotta do! [A determined nod.] I'm with you all the way, so let's get out there and break some records!

I wouldn't say no to a donut, either. That place has donuts, right? One should be fine! ... Every once in a while. You know, to celebrate stuff.